Monday: Phil Hughes holds the Mets are held to three hits in a 7-0 Yankees victory. The Yankees, after suffering mysterious injuries to everybody else in their lineup on Monday morning, score seven runs with a lineup consisting of players from Scranton Wilkes-Barre, Trenton, a fan who once caught a foul ball in the stands at Yankee Stadium, and a 12-year-old. Ike Davis has all three hits for the Mets, but is sent down to Las Vegas after the game for an undisclosed reason.

Tuesday: The Mets honor Yankees closer Mariano Rivera before the game. They give him a framed portrait of Sandy Koufax, the pitching rubber, and for some reason, third base. Because there is no pitching rubber or third base on the field, the Mets are forced to forfeit the game.

Wednesday: The Mets win 4-0 in the Bronx on a grand slam by Ike Davis, who was called up to the Mets for the game because when he got to Las Vegas, Zack Wheeler greeted him at the airport and the Mets wanted to keep Davis away from Wheeler's bad influence. Davis bats leadoff as Terry Collins pulls Wednesday's lineup out of a 1999 hat that Charlie Samuels once had in his basement. Matt Harvey, pitching on Wednesday because of the forfeit, mentioned to Kevin Burkhardt after the game how much he felt comfortable pitching at Yankee Stadium after 8 innings of five hit ball with nine K's.

Thursday: With multiple outlets reporting that Matt Harvey is dying to be a Yankee on the basis of his Burkhardt interview, the Mets circle the wagons and score 8 runs off David Phelps, including another Ike Davis grand slam. Rick Ankiel makes the defensive gem of the series robbing Brett Gardner of a home run over the right center field fence while simultaneously punching a fan who looked eerily like Jeffrey Maier in the face.

Jeremy Hefner is cruising into the seventh with an 8-2 lead when he gives up a single to Vernon Wells. Terry Collins then replaces Hefner with Scott Rice to face Lyle Overbay. Rice has pitched every day this series, including Tuesday when there was no game for some reason. And his first pitch to Overbay is a nasty slider, but causes Rice to evaporate into thin air. Brandon Lyon is brought in to give up five runs and the Yankees are back to within 8-7. The Yankees load the bases in the ninth off Bobby Parnell, but with two outs Parnell gets Robinson Cano to pop-up to second base. With Daniel Murphy camped under it, Luis Castillo runs in from the stands, pushes Murphy out of the way, and then drops the ball. Castillo is dragged from the field by his neck as he's screaming "NOOOOO, NOT AGAIN!!!"

Cano is ruled out on washed up second baseman interference and the Mets win 8-7. Castillo is sentenced to 30 days of being hit in the face with a pie by Justin Turner. The Mets announce plans for Luis Castillo night during the next homestand. With Castillo not present because he's been banned from major league parks for three years for interfering with a live play, all of Castillo's gifts are presented to Mariano Rivera.

I know, I'm as surprised as you are. But it had to happen sooner or later just because of the law of averages. Maybe this is the jump start. Maybe not. But if you believe in snatching victory from the jaws of defeat, then surely you also believe in snatching a major league roster spot from the jaws of Las Vegas. Davis had two hits on Sunday night against the Braves, the last one being a huge two-run single with the game tied in the eighth which was the difference in ending the Mets five game losing streak in a 4-2 victory. Shaun Marcum's seven strong innings striking out 12 Braves in easily his best game as a Met made this huge Ike Davis moment possible.

And it came just after Ike was given some friendly advice by his bosses:

Ooh look, in the back pretending he has expertise in this situation ... it's Jeff Wilpon! "Can I hang out with you guys too? I was a professional ballplayer too you know! Seriously!"

It would be hilarious if Ike was sent down after his game winning hit. But the Mets have done crazier things so would it seriously surprise you if you woke up tomorrow morning to a post on Metsblog or ESPN.com that Ike Davis was the newest Las Vegas Fifty-One? Of course it wouldn't. Oh you may act like it does. But deep down, you won't be surprised. But hey, at least in Las Vegas he would have a support system. Check out the nice tweet that Zack Wheeler sent after Davis got that big hit:

@iked29 just doing it right there!!! That a boy

— Zack wheeler (@Wheelerpro45) May 27, 2013

Very nice, supportive teammate. Of course, somebody would have to have a problem with it:  

One more thing. Zack Wheeler tweeted "that a boy" at Ike Davis? If I'm him I'm thinking, easy there, Vegas.

— Andy Martino (@MartinoNYDN) May 27, 2013

Terrific. There can't even be a nice moment without a controversy. This team is on pace for 100 losses and we can't even enjoy the 62 wins. 

It's not fair. But as mad as I get at the Mets, I always get a little bit madder at them on the day the Rangers are eliminated (which for the second year in a row is May 25th.) Because it's kind of like one house guest leaving for the summer, and the other house guest sits on your couch like a lump with sweaty underpants, spilling soda and dripping apple glaze from your meat loaf all over your furniture. He doesn't shower, and he broke your air conditioner. Friends, that house guest is your New York Mets. And the realization that I'm stuck with them all summer makes me madder at them than I really should be.

But make no mistake, I should be mad at them. For on the day that the Rangers have left me until October, the Mets managed to lose twice in under five hours. The first loss only took two innings as they completed their suspended game from Friday night. Brandon Lyon pitched the tenth inning, but some joker replaced his slider with Folgers Crystals just to see of somebody noticed. Brian McCann did, as Lyon's 0-2 pitch was lined into right field over Ike Davis, who was about as stationary as Roman "Lamp Post" Hamrlik was for the Rangers as he made a feeble attempt to jump for it, putting runners on second and third for Dan Uggla. Uggla then hit a broken bat single to bring home the go-ahead run, and then B.J. Upton drove in an insurance run on a squeeze play (which was botched but it didn't matter because this is the Mets we're talking about) giving the Braves a 7-5 lead.

Then in the bottom of the inning after the first two guys got on off of Craig Kimbrel (including Ike Davis, who struck out four times in this game but gets a hit off Kimbrel ... because that makes f'ing sense), Ruben Tejada couldn't lay down a bunt, and then Terry Collins sent Justin Turner up for Juan Lagares to hit into a double play ... and that's exactly what he did to end the game. (I don't know who loves who more: Terry Collins and Justin Turner, or Snoop Manuel and Fernando Tatis.) And if that makes you mad, think of how Keith Hernandez feels. Because of the weird circumstances regarding the completion of this game, Hernandez had to drive all the way in from Sag Harbor for two freaking innings.

The regularly scheduled game is hardly worth talking about. At least the two inning loss was entertaining and maddening. The nine inning loss featured Mike Minor hitting a home run off Dillon Gee through a howling wind, striking out ten batters in seven and a third, and smiling the whole damn game. Minor only gave up three hits while Gee got crushed in the fifth inning fin what wound up being a 6-0 Braves win that about twenty-five people stayed at Citi Field to watch the whole stupid thing.

The two worst teams in baseball going into the season according to most people with brains were the Miami Marlins and the Houston Astros. That has held true as they have the worst records in baseball. Guess who is third? That's right, your New York Mets. And not only do they have me all to themselves until the Rangers skate again in September, they have America's attention all to themselves Sunday night on ESPN. By the time they're done, America will have as much of a reason to hate them as I do. Hate which will no doubt grow exponentially as the season drags to its inevitable conclusion.

I don't intend to make every blog post about Ike Davis. I really don't. But here's what I want to discuss about Ike from Friday's suspended game:

So in the top of the eighth inning, Evan Gattis comes up for the Braves. Now if your address is 385 Under A Rock, Evan Gattis is a beast of a man. He looks like a child took the most muscular parts of every action figure he has and put together a hybrid doll. He-Man's arms, Ken's torso, the Hulk's legs (yes, they're green), and the head of Breaker from GI Joe. Think Lucas Duda, but scarier and ganglier. It's like Brian McCann and Dan Uggla had a love child, and then Clue Haywood ate him.

So Gattis comes up to the plate with the bases loaded, and you think he's just going to take three wild cuts, and if he runs into one its gone. But check this out, Gattis actually contorts his He-Man Hulk Ken Breaker body and fouls off a couple of tough pitches from Greg Burke, keeping him in the at-bat long enough to line a two run single to give the Braves a 5-3 lead.

And at that point I got to thinking about Ike Davis. Why? I'm obsessed. But listen, when was the last time you saw Ike Davis fight off a pitch as if his life depended on it, in much the way Gattis did in the eighth ... and not take yet another spring training la-de-da I'm working on my swing, er ... swing? It's bad when you have to rack your brain to remember a simple foul ball. And then, in the bottom of the eighth, with Davis down 0-2, he did it! He fouled off a f*cking curveball. And I jumped out of my chair! That's how bad Davis is right now ... I jump out of my seat for it. And I wasn't the only one. The crowd at Citi Field let loose with a cheer that actually sounded halfway sincere mixed in with the sarcasm. When a foul ball is so obviously a huge step up from normal production that everybody in a cold, wet, shivering ballpark notices, that's how you know when it's time for a reboot in Las Vegas, or Binghamton, or a secluded batting cage high in the mountainous regions of Bolivia.

By the way, Ike struck out on the next pitch.

But fear not, because the free world's leader in golden sombreros couldn't stop the Mets from tying up the game in the bottom of the eighth, as Daniel Murphy drove home a run with a single, and B.J. Upton's attempt at humor in center field sent the tying run to third. And good thing, because the driving rain guided a subsequent Anthony Varvaro pitch through McCann's legs which scored the game tying run. And then the rains came, which means that Friday night gave us the first suspended game in Mets history. It will be resumed tomorrow at 6:10, and it might go untelevised. This means that Ike could get himself the platinum sombrero and nobody would see it. Such a shame.

Matt Harvey is still undefeated ... in two sports.

Harvey, as you know ... and partially thanks to Rick Ankiel's triple on Wednesday, is 5-0 in 2013. Also, he's 7-0 in the stands as a fan of the New York Rangers, with no game being more important than the one the Rangers played on Thursday, a 4-3 overtime victory which saved their season for at least two more days.

If played right, Harvey can save two franchises. The one he plays for, and the one he roots for. Hey, if you believe in superstition like most pro athletes do on some level, you have to find a way to get Harvey to Boston for Game 5. He can get his throwing in on the Amtrak. Then for Game 6, which would be on Monday at the Garden, adjust the rotation a bit. Give Harvey some extra rest and pitch him Tuesday. You saw what happened the last time Harvey pitched with extra rest. Then Game 7 on Wednesday. It's for the greater good, Sandy Alderson. This man has the gift, and if played right he could save two franchises!

Well, he could save three franchises, if you believe the graphic that FOX Kansas City had up during the Royals game on Thursday:

Yup. Little known fact: "Matt Harvey" is just the name he used to obtain his visa. But if they think Matt Jones is good, wait until the rest of the Mets minor league system hits the majors: Zack Underwood, Noah Doty, and Vyacheslav D'Arnaud.

I can't defend Ike Davis anymore.

I didn't think Davis needed to go down to Buffalo last season. And he proved me correct as he turned it on against the Tampa Bay Rays in June and never looked back. Now? He might have to go to Las Vegas for a couple of weeks. I don't care if he actually plays baseball while in Vegas. For all I care he could spend the time playing baccarat in the Bellagio and partying with inexpensive hookers. (Because you know the Wilpons wouldn't spend the money on high class escorts.)

It's one thing for Ike Davis to strike out a thousand times in 138 at bats. It's quite another to take his problems out into the field with him. And it isn't even like balls are clanging off Ike's glove. These aren't errors that Ike is making. These are what Keith Hernandez used to call "vapor locks". Daydreaming around first base and getting tagged for interference, and then Wednesday ... going after a ball that was topped down the line on an awkward swing by Brandon Phillips, and letting the ball go down the line because he assumed Phil Cuzzi would call it foul. So basically, when Bobby Parnell needed an out with the go-ahead run on third base, Davis let the ball go down the line instead of just catching it. He just let the winning run score.

I could deal with Ike falling on his face going after the ball ... but go after the ball! Go after the ball instead of letting it go and then looking at the umpire with that clueless idiot look on your face which is a combination of Rich Kotite and Wade Phillips. Absolutely inexcusable. And if he's doing this because his thinking too much at the plate is causing him to think too much in the field ... and that's what that was, thinking too much ... then he needs to go. Get away. Learn how to play the game as opposed to think the game. Or something. I don't know. Maybe I'm overthinking whether he's overthinking or not. But something has to be done here for his own sake, not to mention everybody's sanity.

No, I don't want Justin Turner to play first base for a week. No, I don't want to have to get excited over Josh Satin. Yes, I know there's no great option coming up from the minors. Ike Davis was that option. And that's the point. We're now talking about a guy's career here. It's a career where the sky is the limit. And he's wasting it swinging at junk and just trying to be a home run hitter, when he has the talent to be so much more yet he's throwing it away. If two weeks in Vegas snaps his mind and his swing into place, it's a chance worth taking. Maybe his mind will snap into place when he's on that five and a half hour plane ride to McCarron Airport wondering how he got there.

Here's a true story: Last night I was talking with a guy who actually covers sports for a living. And he told me of a question that he asked tennis player Mardy Fish to the effect of "at what point to you stop being just another guy on the tour and start becoming a player that others fear". Fish's reply was "What, you think I suck?" And since then, Fish's game got a lot better and he started making more noise on the tour. Perhaps somebody, besides the 17,000 to 25,000 that come to Citi Field every game, needs to tell Ike Davis that he sucks. But instead of the words "you suck", this conversation needs to contain the words "we're sending you down for a little while." Whether he gets the message, or he finds some relief in all this, something's gotta happen. Because I think we're down to the last resort with Davis.

I can't defend Ike Davis anymore. Not if he refuses to defend a simple ground ball.

Okay. It's 3:30 in the morning, and for some stupid reason I'm watching Tuesday's Mets loss ... a game in which I knew going in that they scored zero runs. As much as I want to analyze this game fairly and give an honest assessment of what is wrong with the Mets, the first question I have to ask is ... what the hell is wrong with me watching this stupid team play this stupid game at 3:30 in the f*cking morning???

Also, I had a few paragraphs written on this game, and it got wiped out due to stupidity. So I'm trying again. The stuff I previously wrote probably sucked. But it was still better than anything that Ike Davis has done on the field this season. Still ... I only meant to watch the top of the first inning so that I could skewer the Mets on that alone. It's 3:35 and I've actually made it to the top of the eighth. There's something seriously wrong with me. I was told recently that if I write a book, it should be a self-help book ... on how to deal with being a Mets fan. How the hell can I help anybody when I don't even know how to turn away from a game that might be the polar opposite of what is exciting and thrilling about baseball? This game could put an insomniac to sleep, and I've actually watched seven full innings of this garbage, and have written two separate blogs about it. At three in the morning. I'd have more fun performing self acupuncture with butter knives than I am watching Ike Davis suck and Lucas Duda roam the outfield like a water buffalo stuck in a cement mixer. Oh, and Daniel Murphy batting leadoff because Michael Bourn chose to make his living in Cleveland. But hey, Rick Ankiel!!! What the f**k is wrong with me watching this horrible team play horrible baseball at damn near four in the morning? Especially when I have to wake up soon so I can go see Matt Harvey lose a 1-0 game because this team can't hit. I'm the guy that's going to write a self-help book? Here's how late it is and how screwed up I am: Every time I go to type the word "write", I end up typing "wright". Every ... single ... time. And I'm going to help people??? Self help from the man who can't help himself? Oh look, Devin Mesoraco just hit the freakin' moon!

You want self-help? Here it is: This team will kill me one day. Don't let them kill you.

Rolling
I see the sphere rolling
White on red on green
The convergence of colors takes me to a special place
When life seemed uncomplicated
And I reflect on where my life went wrong as green turns to red turns to white
Converging to turn into one color
Representing the sunset of my life

This was written by Ike Davis ... in his head ... as he was watching Joey Votto's hit roll down the right field line. Ike Davis? Poet? It's as good an excuse as any as to why Davis didn't bother to move away from first base as Votto was rounding it, causing Votto to be awarded second base on the rarely invoked "Slumping First Baseman Who Is Taking His Problems To The Field With Him's Interference". And it helped to kick off a game which was positively absurd ... except for the loss, which was totally expected.

Shaun Marcum couldn't quite work around Davis' foray into the other world as Brandon Phillips drove home a run with a single, and Jay Bruce drove two home with a double. Marlon Byrd tied the game in the fourth with a three run HR, but Marcum ... who had danced around a Reds threat in the fifth, gave up the lead for good by giving up a home run to Bruce, who is slowly becoming the new Mets killer. Consider: In 110 at bats against the Mets in his career, Bruce has 17 HR's. Work that out to Bruce's 162 game average of 590 at-bats, Bruce would have 91 home runs over a full season if all he faced was Mets pitching.

Then you had LaTroy Hawkins' ejection in the seventh, as he and Tom Hallion argued about everything that happened in the seventh between pitch location, a ball that hit the knob of Phillips' bat, and presumably what font to print their party invitations in.

The Mets' last shot was in the ninth, but they went down 1-2-3 against Aroldis Chapman. On Monday night, Chapman exposed two huge Mets weaknesses. First one being the Mets striking out at an alarming rate, as Chapman struck out Mets batters number 363 and 364 on the season. Second, it exposed the Mets lack of foresight as they failed to leave boxes of eclairs from Mama's of Corona in front of Chapman's locker. Chapman reportedly pigged out on Cuban pastries before Sunday's game against the Phillies when he gave up two straight dingers to lose the game. He reportedly downed 18 of the tasty treats before the game. To blow a game against the Mets though, Chapman would have had to go on Jonathan Broxton's pregame diet: 18 pastries, and three live oxen. At least it was worth trying. But the Mets, like their first baseman, were caught daydreaming.

Everybody is focusing on the fact that the Mets don't have a victory following a Matt Harvey start this season, and are 3-16 in those situations lifetime. It's like a Matt Harvey start is washing down five hour energy with a Red Bull and a shot of heroin. The crash after that is brutal ... so I've heard.

The good news is that the Mets are 12-7 in games following Jeremy Hefner starts, so that's gotta mean something, right? Right? RIGHT???

Rather than look for a deeper meaning other than "Jeremy Hefner is atrocious" (which he really hasn't been), 3-16 is probably nothing more than a random sample of simply: "The Mets just aren't any good." Perhaps rather than look at a random stat like that, let's look at what you would say about a team that loses a game because their four and five hitters can't be bothered to drive in a run from scoring position, while when presented with the same situation, the Cubs pitcher drives a ball over the right fielder's head.

The Mets radio team noted during the game that had the Mets drove in their runners in scoring position in innings one and two like the Cubs had later in the game, it would have been a much different ballgame. Turns out they were right. The Mets would have tortured their fan base with an 8-6 loss rather than just losing quietly, 8-2, as they did. I'd like to take this opportunity to applaud the Mets for giving Met fans an opportunity to hold on to whatever remains of their sanity.

Most likely no post to discuss the Sunday game. I am attempting to build and operate a time machine to go back to 1969 and keep the Mets from trading Amos Otis for Joe Foy.

So ... Sports Illustrated. You thought you had this one sewn up, didn't you. You thought your evil plan to further plunge the Mets into darkness by putting their ace pitcher on your cover was going to work like a charm when he gave up two runs to the Chicago Cubs in the first inning he pitched since appearing ... on said cover.

But here's what you didn't count on: You didn't count on the fact that Matt Harvey is impervious to your jinxes. All of them. He pitches one hitters with a bloody nose for crissakes. You think a cover is going to stop him? What, because of a long standing jinx that has tripped up the likes of Ken Norton, Lee Trevino, and the Cleveland Indians?

Ha! You're going to have to rethink your strategy, Sports Illustrated. Maybe hire some more competent shamans or get some better help than the Psychic Friends Network. Because after those two runs that Harvey gave up (which really shouldn't have been his runs, because there should have been an error on Ike Davis on that throw from Tejada ... bad as it was, can you stretch a little bit, Ike? It's not like anybody is asking you to do something impossible like cure cancer, split the atom, or make contact ... you're the defensive wizard, catch the ball!!!), Harvey was nothing short of incredible: retiring 20 of 21, and driving in the winning run in the seventh with an RBI single. The two things he accomplished during Friday's 3-2 win against the Cubs are thus: He made the game feel nothing like a game where you expected the Mets to screw up, though they almost did right after Harvey left when Scott Rice gave up a base hit which would have scored the tying run from second if not for Marlon Byrd chucking said tying run out at the plate. And two, he stared down your jinx, Sports Illustrated, and spit blood in its face.

In fact, bring on any jinx you want, Matt Harvey will beat it. In fact, lookee here:

Matt Harvey is on the cover of Madden 13. You know that jinx, right? Michael Vick, Brett Favre, Eddie George ... yes, that jinx. And hey, nothing bad has happened, has it? If anybody can beat the Madden Jinx, it's one Matt Harvey.

Oh hey, he's just won the Heisman. Many players who have won the Heisman have gone on to non-descript careers at best, non-careers at worst. Eric Crouch, Gino Toretta, Rashaan Salaam, Chris Weinke, Matt Leinart, they're all here and more. And Matt Harvey, who won the Heisman with a record of pure awesomeness, has ended this curse once and for all. Future Heisman winners who go on to Hall of Fame NFL careers have Matt Harvey to thank.

And what's this? Ted McGinley is playing Matt Harvey in a sitcom? The same Ted McGinley who joined the casts of Married With Children, The Love Boat, Happy Days, only to see them end? Well, this could be tricky. But I'm sure that Harvey will end this too by being around for a while. Besides, McGinley was on those three shows a total of 14 seasons. I'll gladly take that from Harvey.